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Shaolin Wahnam,
For the last few years I have been on a quest for magic. It started out with learning basic energy manipulation from psionics websites.
I soon learned that some of the material available on these sites while being ok in some small respects, leaves much to be desired. Mainly by looking at the quality of people who were teaching these things. I continued on to study various occult texts written by past masters for the use of the initiated and uninitiated alike. I practiced diligently what I read, all with the primary goal of spiritual growth. As well as a lesser but strong wish/goal of becoming superhuman, something more than human. I wanted to achieve the state of mind, body, and spirit that would allow me to stand as a symbol of what we can achieve in a world with a primarily material paradigm. I wanted, and still want nothing more than to be able to help others and myself in ways that are very rare to find today.
(I just pray that I can shape myself to be worthy of being, and doing such)
During my path I achieved a lot, and at the same time I achieved little. I have healed others in small ways (my moms hand after a surgery gone wrong, etc.) Yet I've always been seemingly unable to heal myself in any significant way. I've realized that events bend to our thoughts, I've found my inner self, I've attained what I believe to be Universal Consciousness. I have made contact with past lives.. yet now I realize I was unable to benefit from their wisdom or the wisdom of my inner self due to my own stubbornness, and clouded personality.
Basically I find I lack(ed) the ability to truly appreciate any of these gifts I have been given in my life. In Wahnam terms I suppose I seriously lacked and still lack the ability to truly smile from the heart. This which seems to be the greatest key to everything. Especially self healing. This seems to be the key which has held me back in all ways to this day. I have especially been holding myself back from seeing clearly what I, the entirety of me, want and need. Basically I now realize I achieved relatively nothing due to my inability smile from the heart.
Last year I began studying Initiation into Hermetics and made many wonderful strides forward, but around that time the inertia caught up with me and a wave of apathy took me over. I neglected important parts of the training, especially the steps for control over ones own mind. This unbalanced training led to me having fears and doubts that I was/am ill equipped to deal with. Then I neglected my training all together. Of course because of this I made many large strides backwards as well. My fears began manifesting into me having a weak body, mind, and spirit. The worse I got, the more I feared, and the more I feared, the worse I got. It's gotten to where I haven't been able to practice martial arts, and such for a little while now.
The good news.. these events recently seemed to spark me back to lucidity of what I need to do. I am now trying to recuperate from my mistakes.
Perhaps it was a good thing that it happened, it seems to have granted me the opportunity to raise my self up from a very low point, and excavate the foundation I have crumbled and destroyed. Now I may lay a new and stronger foundation to grow upon.
Recently I have been making small babysteps forward again. I took up regular prayer for the first time in years, praying for myself, my family, my friends, and the world in general. This helped me to have a much more positive attitude than I have had even a couple of weeks ago. Simply praying has led me to feel like I am starting to get back on the road to my goals, and my attitude incrementally becomes more positive daily.
My goals have now changed, as much as they have stayed the same.
Since finding Shaolin Wahnam, even though I am yet to have my first lesson (Which is this monday) I already realize that my goal isn't to become superhuman, but truly human. I realize that humanity itself carries the potential for greatness in all forms, I see it on this very forum. I realize that I need to just be, before I can be whatever I dream of being. If we are truly the imagination of ourselves, then it seems to stand that first I need to be able to truly let go of the negativity, and generally all the junk within me before I can have a clear imagination.
I believe I have found probably the greatest piece to the puzzle in finding Shaolin Wahnam, and I look forward to the guidance and teachings of it's wonderful legacy to help me fill up the cup that I am trying so hard to empty now.
Right now I am sort of in a limbo with my training, I halted myself for the sake of making sure I find the right path and am fully dedicated to that path before I start down it. But I truly believe I now have the will to succeed in all my endeavors.
My reason for writing this is to get out my feelings and collect my thoughts. I feel that telling all this to the entire community that I am trying to be a student of will help me be the best student I can be..
I deeply thank you Sifu for accepting me, and I thank you all for reading this post.
- David "Neeros" Langford
For the last few years I have been on a quest for magic. It started out with learning basic energy manipulation from psionics websites.
I soon learned that some of the material available on these sites while being ok in some small respects, leaves much to be desired. Mainly by looking at the quality of people who were teaching these things. I continued on to study various occult texts written by past masters for the use of the initiated and uninitiated alike. I practiced diligently what I read, all with the primary goal of spiritual growth. As well as a lesser but strong wish/goal of becoming superhuman, something more than human. I wanted to achieve the state of mind, body, and spirit that would allow me to stand as a symbol of what we can achieve in a world with a primarily material paradigm. I wanted, and still want nothing more than to be able to help others and myself in ways that are very rare to find today.
(I just pray that I can shape myself to be worthy of being, and doing such)
During my path I achieved a lot, and at the same time I achieved little. I have healed others in small ways (my moms hand after a surgery gone wrong, etc.) Yet I've always been seemingly unable to heal myself in any significant way. I've realized that events bend to our thoughts, I've found my inner self, I've attained what I believe to be Universal Consciousness. I have made contact with past lives.. yet now I realize I was unable to benefit from their wisdom or the wisdom of my inner self due to my own stubbornness, and clouded personality.
Basically I find I lack(ed) the ability to truly appreciate any of these gifts I have been given in my life. In Wahnam terms I suppose I seriously lacked and still lack the ability to truly smile from the heart. This which seems to be the greatest key to everything. Especially self healing. This seems to be the key which has held me back in all ways to this day. I have especially been holding myself back from seeing clearly what I, the entirety of me, want and need. Basically I now realize I achieved relatively nothing due to my inability smile from the heart.
Last year I began studying Initiation into Hermetics and made many wonderful strides forward, but around that time the inertia caught up with me and a wave of apathy took me over. I neglected important parts of the training, especially the steps for control over ones own mind. This unbalanced training led to me having fears and doubts that I was/am ill equipped to deal with. Then I neglected my training all together. Of course because of this I made many large strides backwards as well. My fears began manifesting into me having a weak body, mind, and spirit. The worse I got, the more I feared, and the more I feared, the worse I got. It's gotten to where I haven't been able to practice martial arts, and such for a little while now.
The good news.. these events recently seemed to spark me back to lucidity of what I need to do. I am now trying to recuperate from my mistakes.
Perhaps it was a good thing that it happened, it seems to have granted me the opportunity to raise my self up from a very low point, and excavate the foundation I have crumbled and destroyed. Now I may lay a new and stronger foundation to grow upon.
Recently I have been making small babysteps forward again. I took up regular prayer for the first time in years, praying for myself, my family, my friends, and the world in general. This helped me to have a much more positive attitude than I have had even a couple of weeks ago. Simply praying has led me to feel like I am starting to get back on the road to my goals, and my attitude incrementally becomes more positive daily.
My goals have now changed, as much as they have stayed the same.
Since finding Shaolin Wahnam, even though I am yet to have my first lesson (Which is this monday) I already realize that my goal isn't to become superhuman, but truly human. I realize that humanity itself carries the potential for greatness in all forms, I see it on this very forum. I realize that I need to just be, before I can be whatever I dream of being. If we are truly the imagination of ourselves, then it seems to stand that first I need to be able to truly let go of the negativity, and generally all the junk within me before I can have a clear imagination.
I believe I have found probably the greatest piece to the puzzle in finding Shaolin Wahnam, and I look forward to the guidance and teachings of it's wonderful legacy to help me fill up the cup that I am trying so hard to empty now.
Right now I am sort of in a limbo with my training, I halted myself for the sake of making sure I find the right path and am fully dedicated to that path before I start down it. But I truly believe I now have the will to succeed in all my endeavors.
My reason for writing this is to get out my feelings and collect my thoughts. I feel that telling all this to the entire community that I am trying to be a student of will help me be the best student I can be..
I deeply thank you Sifu for accepting me, and I thank you all for reading this post.
- David "Neeros" Langford
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